Unusual requests from a neighbour.

Characters of South Leeds

In the past I’ve had some interesting interactions with my fellow loiners. In reference to my earlier talk of my community’s transient population, my street has on occasion played host to some less than salubrious characters. One that gave me some of my more interesting experiences has long since moved on. 

The first time I met her was when she knocked on my door asking for £1 for bus fare. I recognised her from the street and rather naively said ‘sure’; that’s what neighbours do right? So I handed over a shiny pound coin after receiving an ‘honest’ promise to pay me back ‘when I cash me giro’ after all it was only a pound. Obviously that was the last I saw of that £1. 

I try and subscribe to the adage “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me” so imagine my surprise when a few months later she reappeared. This time with another request,

“Can I borrow some cash to buy some dog food?” Oddly enough I was not overly keen on being treated like a complete mug again, so whilst not wanting to enrage or antagonise my neighbour, I also needed to establish that I was no longer a pushover. 

Firstly I asked her when she’s acquired a dog, as I’d not seen her with one, ever.

“Oh it’s for me mate’s dog”, she replied. A likely story!

‘Bollocks’ I thought, but not wanting to appear unhelpful I offered her some leftovers from last night’s dinner instead. She looked bewildered and less than impressed with my generous offer, so I went to shut the door. 

Undeterred by my sidestepping her request she craftily changed tack. “Can I have £1 to buy toilet paper?” I said “no, but you can have a few sheets of kitchen roll if you like?”

No? I didn’t think so. I think at this point even the most hardened scam artist would have sensed that I wasn’t going to fork out the cash, but this wasn’t enough of a hint for my friend. 

“Can I have some money to buy some tampons, I’ve run out?” 

I can only assume this is a tried and tested strategy to embarrass one’s intended victim into a display of mumbling awkwardness, blushing and handing over some of their hard earned dosh so as to avoid a mortifying discussion about ‘surfing the crimson tide’ with a complete stranger; however she had underestimated me, so instead I whipped out a selection of tampons from my handbag and asked if she wanted one of my ‘spares’; she could have one of each if she liked.

No? What about a panty liner or two? (I made the panty liner bit up, but you get the idea)  Finally it seemed the had penny dropped and she shuffled off without accepting any of my proffered gifts: not even a sanitary towel clutched in her sweaty palm, but more importantly realising that she wouldn’t put one over on me again.